*Bonnie* (justreadmyspine) wrote,
*Bonnie*
justreadmyspine

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It's been waaaay too long...

I haven't posted a real update since April. That's terrible. I just never seem to find the time or energy to sit down and write. Until you have a kid, you don't understand how difficult it can be to make one simple journal entry. Or to do any simple thing, like the dishes or laundry or eating a meal. Either I don't have the time, or I have the time and all I want to do is lie down.

I've been awake since 4:00am. Ilán woke up for a bottle, and I just couldn't go back to sleep. I should be sleeping right now instead of writing this, but I'll just feel worse if I take a nap.

Soooo much has happened since I last wrote. Unfortunately, I'm not any happier than last time I wrote, nor have things improved with Ilán. I suppose that health-wise, he's gotten better. His skin issues have cleared up, for the most part, but he still has these two spots on his back that get so bad sometimes that they look like burns. We have antibiotic cream for them which seems to help somewhat. The doctors kinda gave up on him, since the x-rays and other tests showed nothing wrong with his stomach or other insides. So, while those things have gotten better, his behavior continues to get worse. This is about the fourth month now where no one but me, Tony and my mom can hold him. If anyone else picks him up, he screams at the top of his lungs, cries, flails around, etc., and this will continue until one of us takes him back. It's not one of those let-him-cry-for-ten-minutes-and-he'll-get-over-it things. He will cry and scream forEVER. He's done it to the point of losing his voice and almost falling asleep. It's horribly frustrating. The only person who can watch him or give me and Tony a break is my mom, but she works full time so she can only do so much (and she does a LOT, and I don't know what I would do without her help).

That isn't the only time Ilán screams. He screams all the time. Every single time he wakes up in the middle of the night, he screams until he gets a bottle. He's also started whining like a little brat. He whines and shrieks when he wants or doesn't want something. And he recently started teething, so he's been even more of a terror than usual.

If you have never seen him do any of this, it may sound like typical baby behavior or that I'm exaggerating or something. But this is not typical baby behavior, nor am I exaggerating. I've dealt with plenty of babies in my life, and never have I seen anything like this. Even his doctor, who has been delivering babies and been a pediatrician for over 25 years, says he's only seen one or two other babies behave the way Ilán does.

Not only does Ilán have issues, but I'm having issues as well. There is something wrong with me, health-wise, and the doctors can't figure out what it is. Basically, I feel sick all the time. Nauseous. I feel full very quickly when I eat so I never eat a real meal. I can't take any medication because it makes me extremely sick. Which means I'm not on my anxiety/depression medication, which is a bad situation for me. My body won't absorb iron, therefore I have next to no iron. They sent me to get an iron infusion but the doctors were being very strange about it and wouldn't tell me the side effects so I made them take the IV out of my arm before they started the infusion and I walked out. I can't take iron supplements because it would kill my stomach and make me sick. I had an ultrasound to make sure my gall bladder isn't the issue. It's not. I had an endoscopy, where they knock you out and put a camera down your throat. They found nothing. I had a stomach emptying test where they feed you radioactive oatmeal and put you under a machine and watch how quickly or slowly it empties out of your stomach. It was normal. So now I'm just waiting to hear back from the gastroenterologist as to what the next step is. If there even is one.

This whole experience of birth and motherhood has been the exact opposite of what I was expecting and wanting. I am having a very hard time coming to terms with that. I don't want another child, so this was my one chance at what should've been the best experience of my life, and it's pretty much been the worst. I love Ilán with all my heart, but I'm miserable.

The only good thing that's happened recently is that my friends Sarah and Zack, and their son Efren, moved to Washington. They're actually living in my mom's basement (temporarily), which is next door to our house, so I see them every day. Until now, I didn't have any real mom friends who actually live here, so this is a big thing for me. The babies don't really care about each other yet, but they will. They'll be best friends whether they like it or not :P Since they've been here, we haven't done anything too exciting, but we've cooked and ate some meals together, went shopping, went out to eat, etc. Tony and Zack get together and play video games. I'm really glad that Tony has a good male friend in his life now, he really needed that. Once the babies get a little older, it'll be easier and more fun to go out and do more things. We put them both in an inflatable pool in the yard the other day, that was fun. In September, I'll be starting preschool with Ilán again. This time it'll be the 9-18 month class. It's more for the parents, but it's good to get Ilán out and around other kids. I also joined a playgroup, but have only been able to make one of the playdates so far. Every day is like a playdate with Sarah and Efren now, which is really nice.

I guess I'll end on a positive note, and post some pictures. I haven't uploaded the most recent ones yet, but I'm going to in a few minutes, so I'll post them if I have time. Ilán is a little over eight months now...



My little dork :P

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First trip to the zoo. It started out well. He pet a goat...

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And ate some frozen lemonade...

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And then it quickly went downhill...

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And he fussed and slept the whole time...

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He is obsessed with the show Yo Gabba Gabba. This is the face he gets when it comes on.

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He likes beads.

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Here he is in the pool

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This was just a couple days after he finally started sitting up on his own

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