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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in *Bonnie*'s LiveJournal:

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Sunday, September 5th, 2010
12:49 pm
Vote for my work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, November 15th, 2009
4:00 pm
Ilan's Birth Story
In honor of Ilan's birthday tomorrow, I have decided to finally post my birth story, which I wrote in January and haven't looked at since. I don't know if many of you know, since I didn't talk about it much, but I had a very difficult delivery that I still have a hard time talking about. No one but me has read my birth story until now. I will also post some photos I never posted (I thought about posting my C-section photos because they really are cool but I don't wanna gross anyone out :P). The story is very long, and I don't expect anyone to read it, but I'm gunna post it anyway :P

Ilan's Birth StoryCollapse )
Friday, October 16th, 2009
11:02 pm
I just have to post this now, but hopefully I'll post a real update soon :P

The other night, we got Ilan his first Happy Meal. He was not nearly as amused as we were...Collapse )
Wednesday, September 30th, 2009
6:36 pm
As usual, I've gone far too long without posting. Just wanted to post some pictures of Ilán.

He's about 10.5 months now...Collapse )
Friday, July 24th, 2009
10:41 am
It's been waaaay too long...
I haven't posted a real update since April. That's terrible. I just never seem to find the time or energy to sit down and write. Until you have a kid, you don't understand how difficult it can be to make one simple journal entry. Or to do any simple thing, like the dishes or laundry or eating a meal. Either I don't have the time, or I have the time and all I want to do is lie down.

I've been awake since 4:00am. Ilán woke up for a bottle, and I just couldn't go back to sleep. I should be sleeping right now instead of writing this, but I'll just feel worse if I take a nap.

Soooo much has happened since I last wrote. Unfortunately, I'm not any happier than last time I wrote, nor have things improved with Ilán. I suppose that health-wise, he's gotten better. His skin issues have cleared up, for the most part, but he still has these two spots on his back that get so bad sometimes that they look like burns. We have antibiotic cream for them which seems to help somewhat. The doctors kinda gave up on him, since the x-rays and other tests showed nothing wrong with his stomach or other insides. So, while those things have gotten better, his behavior continues to get worse. This is about the fourth month now where no one but me, Tony and my mom can hold him. If anyone else picks him up, he screams at the top of his lungs, cries, flails around, etc., and this will continue until one of us takes him back. It's not one of those let-him-cry-for-ten-minutes-and-he'll-get-over-it things. He will cry and scream forEVER. He's done it to the point of losing his voice and almost falling asleep. It's horribly frustrating. The only person who can watch him or give me and Tony a break is my mom, but she works full time so she can only do so much (and she does a LOT, and I don't know what I would do without her help).

That isn't the only time Ilán screams. He screams all the time. Every single time he wakes up in the middle of the night, he screams until he gets a bottle. He's also started whining like a little brat. He whines and shrieks when he wants or doesn't want something. And he recently started teething, so he's been even more of a terror than usual.

If you have never seen him do any of this, it may sound like typical baby behavior or that I'm exaggerating or something. But this is not typical baby behavior, nor am I exaggerating. I've dealt with plenty of babies in my life, and never have I seen anything like this. Even his doctor, who has been delivering babies and been a pediatrician for over 25 years, says he's only seen one or two other babies behave the way Ilán does.

Not only does Ilán have issues, but I'm having issues as well. There is something wrong with me, health-wise, and the doctors can't figure out what it is. Basically, I feel sick all the time. Nauseous. I feel full very quickly when I eat so I never eat a real meal. I can't take any medication because it makes me extremely sick. Which means I'm not on my anxiety/depression medication, which is a bad situation for me. My body won't absorb iron, therefore I have next to no iron. They sent me to get an iron infusion but the doctors were being very strange about it and wouldn't tell me the side effects so I made them take the IV out of my arm before they started the infusion and I walked out. I can't take iron supplements because it would kill my stomach and make me sick. I had an ultrasound to make sure my gall bladder isn't the issue. It's not. I had an endoscopy, where they knock you out and put a camera down your throat. They found nothing. I had a stomach emptying test where they feed you radioactive oatmeal and put you under a machine and watch how quickly or slowly it empties out of your stomach. It was normal. So now I'm just waiting to hear back from the gastroenterologist as to what the next step is. If there even is one.

This whole experience of birth and motherhood has been the exact opposite of what I was expecting and wanting. I am having a very hard time coming to terms with that. I don't want another child, so this was my one chance at what should've been the best experience of my life, and it's pretty much been the worst. I love Ilán with all my heart, but I'm miserable.

The only good thing that's happened recently is that my friends Sarah and Zack, and their son Efren, moved to Washington. They're actually living in my mom's basement (temporarily), which is next door to our house, so I see them every day. Until now, I didn't have any real mom friends who actually live here, so this is a big thing for me. The babies don't really care about each other yet, but they will. They'll be best friends whether they like it or not :P Since they've been here, we haven't done anything too exciting, but we've cooked and ate some meals together, went shopping, went out to eat, etc. Tony and Zack get together and play video games. I'm really glad that Tony has a good male friend in his life now, he really needed that. Once the babies get a little older, it'll be easier and more fun to go out and do more things. We put them both in an inflatable pool in the yard the other day, that was fun. In September, I'll be starting preschool with Ilán again. This time it'll be the 9-18 month class. It's more for the parents, but it's good to get Ilán out and around other kids. I also joined a playgroup, but have only been able to make one of the playdates so far. Every day is like a playdate with Sarah and Efren now, which is really nice.

I guess I'll end on a positive note, and post some pictures. I haven't uploaded the most recent ones yet, but I'm going to in a few minutes, so I'll post them if I have time. Ilán is a little over eight months now...

Pictures from June and JulyCollapse )

Current Mood: exhausted
Tuesday, June 9th, 2009
5:13 pm
I wish people who bid on eBay items would READ THE DAMN ITEM DESCRIPTION before a) bidding in the first place, and b) asking questions that they could find the answers to in big, bold, red letters in the description! Jesus...

Current Mood: aggravated
Monday, June 8th, 2009
1:50 pm
Wow, I haven't updated in forever.

A lot has happened, but at the same time, nothing has happened. I kinda feel like every day is the same, and there aren't really many highs or lows, just a constant...existing. Which I suppose, in a way, is good, but some highs would sure be nice, too. I'm having a pretty hard time with things, emotionally, mentally, and physically, which obviously sucks, but ya know.

I hope to post a real update soon, but for now, I just wanted to say hello, I'm still here, and look at these photos of my now 6.5 month son!

Big boyCollapse )

Current Mood: blah
Tuesday, April 28th, 2009
11:51 pm
Wednesday, April 8th, 2009
6:37 pm
The short version of a very long story, plus photos
I haven't updated recently, and I don't have much time right now (or ever) to do so, so here is the very short version of what is a very long story...

Basically, Ilan's pediatrician believed that there was something going on with him, whether it was acid reflux, something with his esophagus, etc., and after sending us to Children's Hospital twice and having them do pretty much nothing, he called them himself and insisted that they do further testing. So we set up an appointment for upper GI x-rays. We took him in this last Monday. Luckily, one of the members of a November babies community I'm in was nice enough to answer all the questions I had about this procedure so I went into it knowing what to expect and I was no longer all that concerned. She was right about everything, it went exactly as she said it would. They strapped Ilan onto this board thing. His head was between two pieces of hard foam, and his hands were kept above his head. He looked so pathetic, but he actually didn't get all that upset. They let us use our own bottle for the barium, which they added cherry syrup to (it smelled like Tylenol). Ilan liked the way it tasted and stopped fussing right when he started drinking it. I got to hold the bottle for him, and he could see or hear me the whole time, which I think kept him calm. As he drank, they took a bunch of x-rays. We could see the screen the whole time, and it was very interesting to watch the barium go through his system and into his tummy.

However, just as I expected, they found nothing wrong. No anatomical issues, no signs of reflux, etc. (One good thing, though, is that Ilan was such a great patient that as we were walking out the door, one of the techs came running to us and said she had a present for him, and let us choose between a stuffed duck or lizard - we chose the lizard, cuz I mean, c'mon, it's way cooler than a duck! ;P) So, we're back to square one, still having no clue as to why Ilan is so fussy, why he's not gaining weight properly, etc. Children's is supposed to send a report to our pediatrician, and then I guess he'll decide what to do now. He had mentioned sending us to an allergist, but he was trying to have other testing done first because the allergy test is not a fun one, for anyone but especially for a baby. I'm going to call tomorrow to see if he got the Children's report, and we'll probably schedule an appointment then so we can discuss our options.

The last two weeks or so had been pretty good with Ilan - the amount of screaming fits had decreased, he was happier for longer periods of time, etc. But these last few days have been absolutely terrible. I feel like the worst mother in the world because I cannot console him. He will scream and cry (and by cry I mean sob, like he's in pain or depressed or something). We used to be able to do SOMEthing to get him to calm down, like bounce him or sing to him or whatever, but now we're to the point where nothing helps at all and he'll just cry himself until he loses all his energy and can't cry anymore, and sometimes he'll even fall asleep. We are so stressed and frustrated and we have no idea what to do.

On a happier note, I do have some pictures of him when he's happy:

I don't take pictures of the bad times, only the good ones...Collapse )

Current Mood: busy
Saturday, March 14th, 2009
2:02 am
For most people, having a baby would be one of the happiest times of their lives. Stressful and tiring and all that, yes, but still one of the happiest times. For me, I am the unhappiest I think I've ever been in my life. And that really fucking sucks.

Current Mood: blank
Monday, February 23rd, 2009
9:20 pm
Ilán's Appointment at Children's Hospital
Today, Ilán had his appointment at Children's Hospital. His pediatrician had wanted us to go for what was assumed to be acid reflux, and for this funny wheezing sound he makes when he inhales which he thought was probably due to something with his trachea. I wasn't able to go to the appointment because three days ago I started back on Zoloft and for some reason it's really been messing with my system and last night and this morning I didn't get any sleep and was feeling horribly sick. So when it came time to leave at 7am today, there was no way I was getting in a car. That would've resulted in me throwing up. Luckily, Tony's mom had already planned on going with us, so she and Tony took Ilán.

They met with a GI specialist. After talking with Tony, she said she doesn't think that acid reflux is the main problem (although it's still very likely that he does have that). She thinks he's having trouble digesting the proteins in cow's milk (which is what his normal formula is), so now he is on special hypo-allergenic formula. She said that the non-digestion of proteins could be shedding his intestinal lining and irritating his bowels, which would explain the constant fussiness, recent constipation, etc. She found blood in his stool which is a big sign that points to this protein issue. He's supposed to be on the new formula for two weeks and then we call to give a report on how he's doing.

I'm not convinced this is the issue, because his pediatrician was pretty positive he has reflux and that's what was causing the issues, but I suppose I should trust the specialist and just wait and see what happens with the formula.

Also, she said the breathing thing is definitely his trachea but it should go away by six months, but if not, they may try to fix it.

And, they are going to set us up with a custom-fit wedge for Ilan to sleep in. It will keep his body stretched out and at an angle, which should make it more comfortable for his tummy. This makes me nervous because he's been sleeping in his bouncy chair for almost three months and he sleeps really well in it, so I think the transition will be really rough and we'll all lose a lot of sleep. But I guess we'll find out.

The new formula is disgusting. It smells terrible, and he looks confused when he drinks it :P The smell wasn't new to me, though, as one baby was on it when I worked at the daycare. But man, you never get used to it, it's just as gross every time :P

He weighs 11 lbs, 4 oz. Tony forgot his length, but she said that both weight and height were in the 10th-25th percentile. He's a little guy, but he's looking so big to me! He's starting to look more like a little baby boy than a newborn, and he's getting such a personality. Now if only we can get his issues worked out so he can be happy!

Current Mood: hopeful
Thursday, February 5th, 2009
1:06 am
Friday, January 30th, 2009
8:57 pm
Quick and fun, while Ilán takes a two-minute nap :P
Go to your Photobucket (or whatever picture site you use), click on the third to last page in your album, select the third picture on the page. Post and explain.

Photo and explanationCollapse )

Current Mood: restless
Thursday, January 22nd, 2009
12:13 am
Ilán's 2-Month Doctor Appointment
Ilán had his 2-month (he's actually 9-1/2 weeks now) well-baby check-up today. He's growing right on course:

Weight: 10 lbs, 12 oz
Height: 22-something"
Height Compared To Weight: 50th percentile
Head: Almost 16" (75th percentile)

He's meeting all the development milestones (holding his head up, putting his hands together, smiling and laughing, following you with his eyes and head, etc.).

We talked about the GER (acid reflux) because the two medicines he was on weren't helping and he's still showing all the signs and is still extremely fussy (often times he will literally scream and scream until he turns purple). I mentioned that he has raspy breathing which I'd heard could be related to the GER, so the doctor listened with the stethoscope and said it's not coming from his lungs or his nose, so he thinks it's actually his trachea. This could be caused by three different things - 1) the acid constantly going up and down and irritating it, 2) a sort of web-like structure at the bottom, or 3) something called Tracheomalacia, which means that it is soft. If it's due to the acid, the treatment is controlling the GER. If it's the web thing, they can do a laser treatment to correct it. If it's Tracheomalacia, they usually just have to outgrow it (it will strengthen and become less soft as they get older). In a week or two, we are taking him to Children's Hospital to see a gastrointestinal doctor for the GER and the trachea thing. The doctor said that chances are, they will have to put Ilán under and look down his throat and possibly into his tummy. This scares the shit out of me, but I want him to feel better so we have to do what needs to be done.

He also had his vaccinations today. Three different shots - one in one thigh, and two in the other. He screamed his head off during them, but then stopped right after, I picked him up, and he fell asleep :P He's been a bit sleepy since, and I think he has a slight fever so we went out and got Tylenol and will give it to him when he wakes up. Everyone told me I would cry when he got the shots, but I didn't. Probably because I see him scream like that everyday :(

On a kind of unrelated note, last week I started counseling for post-partum depression and body image issues. It's the same counselor Tony and I went to before, and she's great, so I'm hoping it will do me some good. I have my second session tomorrow.

That's all I have time to write at the moment, I'll try to post again soon though, and I still need to edit and post my birth story...

Current Mood: exhausted
Tuesday, January 13th, 2009
11:47 pm
Big Photo Update!
Here are a ton of photos that I just haven't gotten around to posting on here (although I did post them on MySpace and Facebook so most of you have probably seen them already :P)

Ilán at 1-6 weeks but in no order whatsoever :P Collapse )

Current Mood: busy
Sunday, January 11th, 2009
5:08 am
I just finished writing my birth story.

Current Mood: numb
Saturday, December 27th, 2008
1:33 am
6-ish Week Update
Ilán will be six weeks old this Sunday. I'm still not sure if it feels like it's been more or less time that. Everything is still a blur, what with my bad labor, traumatic C-section, and horrible recovery.

Ilán and I both had six(-ish) week check-ups on the 23rd. Mine went really well. I'm healing perfectly (uterus is back to its normal size, my insides have reorganized themselves back to where they were pre-pregnancy, my incision is fine and the tape strips are almost off, etc.). I've lost all but six pounds of my pregnancy weight (although I'd lost all but seven pounds of it within 10 days post-partum, so this wasn't news) and my doctor said I should win an award for losing that much (almost 30 pounds within 10 days post-partum) and I should also win an award for the longest and most traumatic labor/delivery/recovery that he can remember in his 27 years of delivering babies. So now you know it's not just me being a wimp when I say how terrible a time I had!

At this point, I am not on any medication at all. When I felt comfortable going off my blood pressure medicine, I stopped taking everything else, including Zoloft, which I've been on since high school. So far, I've been doing okay. My blood pressure was better than normal at this appointment. I haven't had any anxiety while being off Zoloft. I was supposed to keep taking it because of my post-partum depression, but at this point I don't feel like it would help much, and I'm doing a lot better in the depression department now that I'm doing better physically. Next appointment, he's going to have them draw my blood to check my iron and vitamin D levels to see if he wants me on supplements for either of those, but I'm really hoping they'll be high enough that he won't because I don't want to be taking anything. He did give me a prescription for birth control, which I obviously need to be on (as much as I love my son, I don't want another one yet!!!)

Ilán wasn't supposed to have an appointment until two months but I made him one anyway because I had some questions for the doctor, and it turns out it's a good thing I did because when I mentioned some things that have been going on with him, the doctor said he thinks he has GERD (gastroesophageal reflux disease). He said this because I said Ilán is gassy, strains to get gas out and to poop even if he doesn't seem to need to do either, has hiccups a lot (like, six times a day), is only happy when he's held completely upright, is constantly moving his tongue around, and is very fussy. All these signs point to GERD.

So he suggested we try soy formula, and said if that didn't help, he'd put him on medicine. So right afterwards we went out and got soy formula, and even after just the first bottle of it, he was even more fussy than usual. This got worse as the day went on, and he ended up throwing a six hour tantrum. I'm not exaggerating. He seriously cried and screamed and flailed around and whatnot for six hours. We switched him back to the regular formula and I called the doctor on Christmas Eve to ask about the medicine. He said he couldn't call in the prescription until he was in the office, on the 26th. So I called then (yesterday) and he called it in and we started Ilán on it last night. It's baby Zantac, hee hee. He hates the way it tastes - made a terrible face, cried, gagged, and cried more. But if it works, it's worth it. It'll probably take 3-5 days to start working, so until then we're just crossing our fingers that it will actually work. If it doesn't, there are stronger meds he can be on. I just want the poor little guy to be happy. It's so sad to see him so fussy all the time (and it's not easy on me and Tony, either, especially because holding him upright is the only thing that makes him happy!). Tony and I both have stomach issues so Ilán is destined to, too, but it's such a bummer that they started so early!

On a better note, here is a picture to hold you over until I post the other new ones we have...Collapse )

Current Mood: groggy
Thursday, December 18th, 2008
7:47 pm
Three-week and four-week photos
I cannot believe Ilán is already over a month old! I feel like I really missed out on the first two weeks because my recovery was so rough :( But anyway, here are some photos from the last two weeksCollapse )

Current Mood: cold
Sunday, December 14th, 2008
9:04 pm
First two weeks
We have a ton of photos of Ilán, both on our camera and my mom's, but we haven't uploaded most of them yet. So for now I'll just post what I have and hopefully post a ton more in the next few days...

PhotosCollapse )

Current Mood: getting better
Friday, November 28th, 2008
6:36 pm
(Late) Birth Announcement
I've barely had the energy to even get out of bed, so I have yet to write a birth story or even post any photos, but I wanted to post a birth announcement real quick:

Name: Ilán Ryan Ernest Peters
Date: 11/16 (due 11/19)
Time: 10:28 AM
Weight: 7 lbs, 0 oz
Length: 20"
Apgars: 8/9
Birth: C-section after induction, a day of false labor and a day of real labor :(

One photoCollapse )

I hope to write a birth story soon. My hospital experience was, to me, very traumatic, and I'm crying as I type this just thinking about it, but maybe it will help to write about it when I'm feeling a little more...alive.

Current Mood: uncomfortable
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